When You Go To A Restaurant Alone. Greg Warren

Published by Darron Toy on

I spent too much time alone though I eaten restaurants by myself that's not good I'm defensive about it I walked in his place the other day the girl looked at me she goes just you yeah it's just me I know I've made some poor decisions in my life I don't know I was gonna have to explain myself to the hostess at the macaroni grill then they try to make small talk with you when you're walking over the table so what brought you in today food mostly I heard that you guys had it I wanted to eat it and eat by yourself they always want to put you in the bar every time you walk up there party one oh you want to eat the bar no I don't I know what you're saying Oh 49 year old man all by yourself probably got a little bit of a drinking problem don't you sir don't worry we got a place for you right in there bunch of drunks and losers just like you you love it you don't belong in there that's her family's decent people you're not gonna like it maybe you'll meet somebody in there that you will you will hit it off go out clean up your lives come back then we'll put you over there but for right now get in there with all the animals that's where you belong if you burn yourself you can't go to the bathroom you have to hold it the entire meal coz there's nobody to tell him that you're still working on your food I went to the bathroom the day I came back there's a family of five sitting in my table hey oh hey man where's my food guys I got fall you're done I got one bite I'm half start getting a table right next to the bathroom so I can hear whether they're taking my food away while them in the bathroom I'm in here I hear what you're saying I know what you're doing knock it off sooner or later like sir do you have a seating preference I do just put me in the bathroom I don't care anymore when I go to the restaurant I just want to eat I don't want to talk to the waiter I want him to teach me why his restaurant is special so have you ever eaten here before no but I bet I can figure it out coach let me guess a thing your hand is a menu I point to an item you make it I eat it maybe I'm wrong maybe here every 15 minutes an orangutan drives a riding mower full of food through the restaurant and I gotta throw a ping pong ball the item that I want but if that's the case I want to eat here in the first place have you been in the restaurant when they're training somebody new it's just creepy they got that one girl lurking behind the other girl she doesn't talk next time I eat I'm gonna bring my friend Mike I'm gonna sit him across to me the waiters gonna be like can I help you sir nah that's my friend Mike he's just gonna be watching me tonight he's training to eat here in a couple of weeks actually they don't like it when you switch tables hey Megan the Suns in my eyes kind of moved to that table right there that's Jennifer's section okay how about if you wait on me in Jennifer's section that's impossible impossible really Megan we're not talking about North Vietnam and South Vietnam we're talking about areas of a Ruby Tuesday that are separated by a line that an 18 year old made with a magic marker on a dry erase board with a little bit of courage we can cross that line together thank you they're so serious about those sections half the time I'm the only one in the restaurant I walked over there party of one hold on she looks down at that schematic for like 15 minutes look McArthur it's not a battlefield all right you pick a table and I'll sit at it I don't know whose turn it is it's my turn I'm the only one here just turn on and spit and whatever table you hit I'll sit I'll sit the one next to it okay I walked into place other day I go can I sit there that guy goes that Sections clothes really half your restaurants closed let me guess the reason you're able to close off half your restaurant is you don't have any customers so you're not really in a position to tell me where I can or cannot sit matter of fact I do want to sit in that section I want to take all the tables and chairs that nobody's using and I want to build a Ford okay I think you're gonna let me do it because let's be honest you need the business hey it's Greg Warren thank you for watching that if you want to watch my entire special you can do it by clicking right here or you can just watch some more clips I'm not sure how many more clips it's like seven or hey Steve how many more Clips do we have oh yeah it's eleven hundred and eighty eight Clips so I mean that's quite a few I was a little off


M Detlef · July 31, 2019 at 7:14 am

If I hear “Just one?” then they get a TWELVE CENT tip. AND…a NOTE explaining WHY!!!!!!!!

blueline · July 31, 2019 at 7:14 am

Yes, eating alone at a restaurant is the worst experience ever. In my experience, the waiter came by like every 30 sec to ask how it's tasting. Super annoying. I almost told him that I would leave him a bigger tip if he just left me alone, but at that point I didnt want to even tip him.

Sustainable Sierra · July 31, 2019 at 7:14 am

I travel alone relatively often. Books are great restaurant dates. 🙂

onpsxmember · July 31, 2019 at 7:14 am

A slight wiff of Burr. Nice one.
Just say you take a table for two and you wait for the other guy.
He doesn't "show" and you got your table.

Luriskaner B · July 31, 2019 at 7:14 am

Still eating and you have to go to use the restroom? How about telling your waiter?

Delores Taylor · July 31, 2019 at 7:14 am

That was great!

Nova Site · July 31, 2019 at 7:14 am

This is spot on! He reminds me of Ryan Hamilton – Happy Face – going to Disneyland alone and being forced to admit your not with anyone in line to ride a roller coaster! Single Life, who knew?

No use for lazy people None. · July 31, 2019 at 7:14 am

I-LOVE-CLEAN-COMEDY. you can watch it WITH your kids and laugh together and NOT have to explain why the person was using word that are not allowed in your house

Robert Schwartz · July 31, 2019 at 7:14 am

So true. They HATE you if you show up alone, even on a Tuesday.

Athena GM · July 31, 2019 at 7:14 am

His passive agressiveness is amazing. This is so true😩😂😂.

Erica Lowry · July 31, 2019 at 7:14 am

The bathroom issue is a real concern. I go to coffee shops a lot on my own and I have to either tell the attendants I'm going to the toilet or to leave a laptop (books won't do) on the table and be concerned if it will be there on my way back. I think I'll buy adult nappies….

Danny Rutz · July 31, 2019 at 7:14 am

Put me in the bathroom lolz

theshire101 · July 31, 2019 at 7:14 am

Greg Warren and Spencer james are great!!!

Bill Otten · July 31, 2019 at 7:14 am

I can relate to Greg, because I’ve eaten by myself for over 40 years!

Shawn 4x42500 · July 31, 2019 at 7:14 am

…."and I wanna build a fort!" Dude! You cracked is up and made us cry!!! 😁😂🤣😂🤣

IllusionisallI · July 31, 2019 at 7:14 am

I think he meant north korea and south korea

dooli1981 · July 31, 2019 at 7:14 am

This guy looks like a cross between the English soccer player Wayne Rooney and Sean Astin who played Sam in Lord of the Rings.

Bi- Han · July 31, 2019 at 7:14 am


Miss Torri · July 31, 2019 at 7:14 am

🤣🤣🤣🤣 Truth

truth betold · July 31, 2019 at 7:14 am

greg was very funny…Thanks for the laughs Greg

Paulina Rey · July 31, 2019 at 7:14 am

Accurate! Lol.. I always eat alone and the bathroom time is a bet… Will they leave my food in the table? Should I put my sweater in the chair? Should I advise them I am still eating? I prefer to not to go to the bathroom at all

Fahjah Fajitas · July 31, 2019 at 7:14 am

I appreciate the cafe rage of a single diner.

cutieeven7 · July 31, 2019 at 7:14 am

We sit you at the bar because we made a mistake a forgot about the four top

Scorch1028 · July 31, 2019 at 7:14 am

“When you a man over 30 who’s by himself in a hotel pool, everyone thinks you’re a serial killer.” 😆 — Jim Gaffigan

A Keeper Of Odd Knowledge · July 31, 2019 at 7:14 am

Just turned 65 and I'm a devout bachelor (MGTOW, these days) and I can relate!

Ana Delgado · July 31, 2019 at 7:14 am

He doesnt understand service industry at all….. he would be the worst customer

rocknroller 77 · July 31, 2019 at 7:14 am

"Look MacArthur." 😂

mrfld · July 31, 2019 at 7:14 am

Less stand up and more hard truth.

Richard Lopez · July 31, 2019 at 7:14 am

If you are a waitress, and you've offered me coffee more than twice after I was done eating and I was just reading a book for an hour or so to avoid going home, there is a tranquil god who appreciates you very, very much. It's not Heaven. I can't give you that. But it amounts to the same thing for me.

EggInYourBeer · July 31, 2019 at 7:14 am


Simply Visual · July 31, 2019 at 7:14 am

This guy reminds of Jerry Seinfeld but without the annoying nasally voice lol.

Christopher Sanchez · July 31, 2019 at 7:14 am

The Ruby Tuesday's I've been to dining in for one always puts me at the corner table in the back of that place every time.. Table for one okay that will be the lonely person table in the back corner.

Denise Marie · July 31, 2019 at 7:14 am

This guy never worked in a restaurant

Mr. Wolf · July 31, 2019 at 7:14 am

This guy is ignorant of how seating at a restaurant works. But still funny.

CHOP IT UP · July 31, 2019 at 7:14 am

He reminds me a little bit of Dennis Leary.

Mateo · July 31, 2019 at 7:14 am

I love it

Marquez Productions · July 31, 2019 at 7:14 am

"Look McArthur it's not a battlefield" that part cracked me up😂

Peter Ewy · July 31, 2019 at 7:14 am

It’s like watching a mirror.

erikk77 · July 31, 2019 at 7:14 am

OMG, as a single older guy this is the funniest thing I've watched in years. Can't stop laughing !!

Cliff Diving Monkeys · July 31, 2019 at 7:14 am

North Vietnam and South Vietnam? Dude, it's 2019, update your jokes :-/

Sinjin Potter · July 31, 2019 at 7:14 am

He's training to eat here next week lfmao rotfl

Kelly Lyons · July 31, 2019 at 7:14 am

I love angry rant comedy. Not often is it clean tho! This was hilarious

bubblegummel · July 31, 2019 at 7:14 am

The lack of eye contact 😂🤣❤

afortunatefool777 · July 31, 2019 at 7:14 am


Bruhh Brahh · July 31, 2019 at 7:14 am

As someone who eat alone most of the time because of my work schedule, I agree. Why do they always try to put us at the bar 😂 like come on

Will Schmidt · July 31, 2019 at 7:14 am

Great stuff. Had to listen to it on 0.75 speed this dude got some lungs to talk that fast 😂

Sara Proper · July 31, 2019 at 7:14 am

I went to breakfast alone once and not only did I get the whole snarky “just you?” Thing but the waitress ignored me for half an hour because she didn’t realize I was there haha

Alexander Cialone · July 31, 2019 at 7:14 am


Jacob B · July 31, 2019 at 7:14 am

just become a regular. problem solved

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