"Late-Night Bathroom Trips" | Russell Peters – Almost Famous

Published by Darron Toy on



my girlfriend's asleep beside me I'll do whatever it takes to not disturb her and more often than not now especially after 40 like 3:30 in the morning I'll got woken up because I have to pee and then I'm like you know what look at her I'm pretty and sleepy and I don't want to I don't want to disturb her so I'm gonna risk a bladder infection and I just go back to sleep right and then about 10 minutes into my sleep I start dreaming about peeing that's your body going hey asshole didn't I try to tell you something a minute ago and the minute you start dreaming about ping that's when you have to get up and go do it because your body's like we're not playing this game and when I finally agree with myself and I'm going to go to the bathroom I become the most stealth like ninja human being you've ever seen in your life I start edging towards my side of the bed and while I'm doing that I'm pushing up the blanket right behind her you know so that way it feels like I'm still there and then when I get to the edge of the bed I literally pour myself out of the bed and then I get up and then you have when you get up to go the bathroom the line guys you have to make an announcement it doesn't have to be loud it doesn't have to disturb anybody but you have to say I just gotta pee because if you don't and she wakes up and you're not there she immediately assumes you're sleeping with somebody else so it's a safety thing it's an insurance policy she doesn't have to react to it she doesn't even have to move your sepsis scrappy she's dreaming she's asleep she's dreaming about playing tennis got a pig now made my announcement now I'm ready to go to the bathroom I know where all the squeaks are on the floor so I avoid them tips go the whole way then when I get to the bathroom door when you get to the bathroom door guys is very important you have to grip the handle firmly very firmly and I open it so slowly I turn the knob so slow that you could literally hear the spring inside recoiling like coil by coil thing same thing and you're like shut off door but you're the only one that can hear it and then when you get it unlocked you have to open it swiftly have to push it open quick you can't do it slow just think it's good and right so you gotta and then then I reach around on the inside and I grab the handle and then I close the door slowly and then Bing Bing Bing Bing Bing Bing now I'm able to go to the toilet I head to the toilet now when you get to the toilet guys is very important you have to pee to the inside of the bowl because you don't want to make it you know there's no sense you go go the tiptoeing in the bang bang bang and then she just uses your boob yeah you got a P to the side of the bowl you don't wanna break water right so yeah your P to the inside of the bowl so the the P just cascades into the water and there's no noise and then when I'm done I take the seat and the lid and I close it and then I flush because I'm trying to mute the noise as much as possible and then I stand there when I wait until the tank refills then and only then do I head back to the bedroom I don't wash my hands all right first of all I took a shower right before I went to bed second of all is my dick it wasn't dragging through mud all day literally a minute ago it was asleep on my balls [Applause] and just so you know ladies nine times out of ten when a guy goes to the bathroom in the middle of the night we don't even use our hands we pee like Superman so then i tiptoe my way back to bed and then when I get to the mattress I put my shoulder on it first you got to put your shoulder on the bed and then I put one leg up right so I got so I got an even distribution of weight on the bed now right and then I just do this little jujitsu kind of role you know just I kind of roll my whole body and then I roll onto the bed and then whoo boo boo boo I'm BAM my arm ends up right around her and she has no clue that I left and went to the bathroom and we do it that way ladies because men respect a woman sleep now when a woman has to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night she doesn't give a shit if you haven't slept in four years if she gets walking about her sleep it's everybody's problem they don't wake up and think to themselves I have to pee they wake up I got I got a peg and then she hurls the blanket world's the blanket off her so violently that they come right off of me and I'm freezing I'm freezing right now and this beautiful petite little woman leaps out of bed like a cat but lands like a hippopotamus just cuckoo and she goes and finds her tap shoes because she wants to make extra noise on the way to get an exit exit they get addicted they get addicted to get an exit exit exit to get an exit Pacific since you get to the bathroom door handles are going bad big flips out of her hand slam through our wax gets into the toilet goes goes to lift the seat it slips out of her fingers whacks loudest noise in the world thank you sits down to pee now ladies when you sit down to pee why can't you just sit down and pee why do you have to sit down and go and you ever heard a woman peeing in the middle of the night it's the loudest thing you'll ever hear in your life [Laughter] [Applause] and then when she's done she goes to flush but she fucks it up and does a half a flush or a bush and they got to sit there to blush bush bush and then she goes to wash her hands and she knocks over a glass shed and then actually done and she storms back to the bedroom dorms back to the bedroom and she slams that bathroom door behind her so hard that it doesn't catch it just bounces back open and this asshole left a light on in there so now there's a beam of light entering the bedroom and she's stomping her elephant ass back a boo boo boo boo 110 pounds I don't know where all his plates coming from and instead of just getting back into bed like a normal human being though for some reason she turns into fucking Hulk Hogan would you come back to bed I'm coming back to that brother and she slams us up on the bed so hard that my entire body bounces up and then I go hey is everything okay oh my god did I wait you yeah bitch you woke everybody on the northern hemisphere up


45 Comments

TNT310supralover · July 27, 2019 at 1:28 pm

😎🔴 I do it Ninja style 😎🔴

mohammad ali · July 27, 2019 at 1:28 pm

That’s hilarious. After a long time heard him with new joke

Danijel Lukic · July 27, 2019 at 1:28 pm

First of all …
1 : I do all the sh%t ninja stuff to get out of bed .. okay that's the same pare here too
2 : when i get out i just see in dark like a cat …
3 : we never OPEN OR CLOSE DOORS ON ANY ROOM . . so bathroom door is always open
4 : i crouch down and pee on a side of the toilet and make as low noise as you can't hear nothing .. like there is 0 sound ( try it out . . ) just crouch and pee on a side of a toilet !
5 : MOST IMPORTANT . . we don't flush toilet . . .you pee 10 times then you flush xD

coolin with laura Johnson · July 27, 2019 at 1:28 pm

Crisco that door hinge

Selfie Bridge · July 27, 2019 at 1:28 pm

u better kick ur wife's a**😆

Pitabas Bhoi · July 27, 2019 at 1:28 pm

Great comedy

fan boy · July 27, 2019 at 1:28 pm

I literally just pee in the middle of the night cause of laughing so hard while watching this. Hahahaha!

Crazy_talktive · July 27, 2019 at 1:28 pm

Omg my family went to a hotel room and I was trying so hard not wake my mom but the fact is….I’m female so…i can’t pee on the side of toilet… she always wakes up and gets mad…OOF

neosapiens · July 27, 2019 at 1:28 pm

If your girlfriend does that at night, she is a BITCH. Dump her and get someone decent

FatnWild · July 27, 2019 at 1:28 pm

5:08 is that russel oliver? Ohh yeah!

Nakedgaya · July 27, 2019 at 1:28 pm

Why did I exactly here someone getting up to pee when he was describing both sides

surendra singh bhati · July 27, 2019 at 1:28 pm

4:09 hey dickface😂😂…if you have seen all his acts you know what i m talking about😄

Rurouni Kenshin · July 27, 2019 at 1:28 pm

wahahhaha

hyndscs · July 27, 2019 at 1:28 pm

That explains the earthquake we felt in NZ. It's your gf getting back in bed

Kushagra b · July 27, 2019 at 1:28 pm

5:42 Russell peters wife

mierak AK · July 27, 2019 at 1:28 pm

I just here again to hear the last bit

Caleb Babcock · July 27, 2019 at 1:28 pm

That Hulk Hogan impression 👍👌😂😂😂😂

773H OWNER · July 27, 2019 at 1:28 pm

Thank god southern hemisphere can sleep quietly.

Tsuyali Jongs · July 27, 2019 at 1:28 pm

"Man respects a woman sleep"🔥🔥🔥

emailbot 8888 · July 27, 2019 at 1:28 pm

Nice peeing noise

Dick Hammerbush · July 27, 2019 at 1:28 pm

"I'm coming back to bed bruda" LMFAO

naaajd · July 27, 2019 at 1:28 pm

Superman ! LooooL

Bradley Myrick · July 27, 2019 at 1:28 pm

Who else is on one of these bathroom trips right now?

Taм0dе SwaG · July 27, 2019 at 1:28 pm

4:08 ~ that 'dick sittin on your balls' face 😂😂😂

Iurii Gulianytskyi · July 27, 2019 at 1:28 pm

5:59 thank you! my pants are wet

Exotic_Ghoul · July 27, 2019 at 1:28 pm

bruh this was the most hilarious sketch ever!

Hafnium Half-life · July 27, 2019 at 1:28 pm

Thanks man! You reminded me I have to lube the hinges on my bathroom door, which I forgot to do yesterday.

CiD the GoD · July 27, 2019 at 1:28 pm

Did anyone notice (if they watched the full show) that he only apologized to the white people after roasting them? I thought that was funny😂🤷🏻‍♂️

yellooh · July 27, 2019 at 1:28 pm

Well

THE KING OF RACING · July 27, 2019 at 1:28 pm

EVERY GUY CAME 2 THE COMMENTS AFTER THE FART🤣🤣🤣🤣

Dannysh Ashraff · July 27, 2019 at 1:28 pm

This video is a curse. It makes me wanna pee rn. Damn

Tony Belonog · July 27, 2019 at 1:28 pm

i havnt laughed this hard in forever, i literally had to go on the floor because i was laughing so hard

IsNoobPleaseHelp · July 27, 2019 at 1:28 pm

6:43 JUS REIGN?!

houchi69 · July 27, 2019 at 1:28 pm

4:09 OMG! That's why the NY Italian guy called him "Dick Face"!

jimmyy jimmyy · July 27, 2019 at 1:28 pm

5:40 Damn that's hot

Manish Kumar · July 27, 2019 at 1:28 pm

you call this comedy?

Dillinger Sam · July 27, 2019 at 1:28 pm

Best Stand up Comedian
Excellent Job Russell
Go Raptors Go
We The North
The Six
Canada Rules 😀❤

Ela Varasan · July 27, 2019 at 1:28 pm

Loves you man 🤗👍🏼

MixesMovies FriStress · July 27, 2019 at 1:28 pm

he narrates in a way that I can picture out visually brilliant

Llamalord 36 · July 27, 2019 at 1:28 pm

So true

Témitope Obinna · July 27, 2019 at 1:28 pm

Still the best joke in 2019

Peaky Boy · July 27, 2019 at 1:28 pm

This guy is a legend ! Bless you man

Everything · July 27, 2019 at 1:28 pm

Fuckin women

Daniel Pyro Cho · July 27, 2019 at 1:28 pm

guys don't ever be drinking anything while watching Russell Peters videos..

Aaron Rhys · July 27, 2019 at 1:28 pm

He deserves a Nobel prize for being honest af 😂

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