Iceman: The Time Traveler/冰封俠時空行者 Movie Review

Published by Darron Toy on


Hi! Welcome to The Silver Spleen. My name is Richard Kuklinski, and this is my review of ICEMAN: THE TIME TRAVELER. In 2014, Donnie Yen gave us ICEMAN. ICEMAN ends with an obvious setup for a sequel, and now, four short… years later, we have it. ICEMAN: THE TIME TRAVELER tells the story of a group of people contractually bound to release a movie for reasons we’ll probably never know, but most likely having to do with money. Not that anyone’s going to pay to watch this abomination: who could possibly be that stupid? How bad is ICEMAN: THE TIME TRAVELER? As we speak, Donnie Yen and the producers of the film are suing each other over who’s to blame. I can’t decide if each side hopes to win… or lose. I think they should all be charged with crimes against cinema. But what do I know about movies, right? Well, I know I took my shoes off during the screening, because there was already such a powerful stink in the cinema that there’s no way I could make it any worse. In fact, in an attempt to improve my experience of watching this film, I occasionally extinguished lit matches on my testicles. It didn’t help. It did make me glad the movie was only 87 minutes, though. The only person that could possibly be happy about ICEMAN: THE TIME TRAVELER being released in 2018 is Barbara Wong. But sorry, Babs, even ICEMAN: THE TIME TRAVELER is better than GIRLS VS GANGSTERS. Donnie Yen’s only going to get second-worst film of 2018. Unless IP MAN 4 comes out for Christmas, but I doubt it, because Christmas isn’t a Chinese holiday. And we all know what it is. But let’s be serious for a moment, folks, because xenophobia is nothing to laugh at. Maybe that’s why ICEMAN: THE TIME TRAVELER is such a cheerless experience. The film opens with a seemingly interminable voiceover/recap of the story thus far, and includes the well-known observation that “history cannot be changed.” Which is rich coming from people who didn’t seem to realize that you can’t un-unrelease a movie that proves three minutes into its running time that it should have stayed unreleased. But hey, four minutes into the movie,
it demonizes Japan. Yes, I checked. Four whole minutes. Because Japan is evil. And this movie is for China. More on that later, and yes, I said moron. Speaking of which, this film tries really hard to be philosophical. You can tell, because at one point Eva Huang says to Donnie Yen, “You’re so philosophical!”
Must be true, right? Let’s face it, any movie could employ the age-old metaphor of choosing a road down which to travel life’s journey. It’s not like you have to actually show a road. Filmmakers don’t need to be that pedestrian. (pun distended) [sic] But ICEMAN: THE TIME TRAVELER
would never be that abstract. Or subtle. So when Donnie has to choose which road to travel down his life’s journey,
he actually is choosing a road. And I guess just to reinforce the idea that
all time exists in some strange metaphysical present at least I think that’s what the seemingly
requisite pseudoscientific babble in the dialog was saying, this
16th-century dirt road has tire tracks in it. Now, it must be a knowing reference to intellectually sound theories about the nature of time. It’s either that or a grade-school cock-up
that virtually everybody in the production was too stupid to ever notice. Our lines are open, you be the judge. Oh, wait, the guy that answers the phone
at that production office is probably busy figuring out how Eva Huang
recharges her iPhone in the 16th century. Maybe it just runs on the constant
current of Japanese evil that apparently is always there no matter
what century you’re in. This movie shows us that
Japan has been evil since ancient times. They’re the bad guys in all three
time periods the movie takes place… in. Their evil is timeless. Like their portrayals in Donnie Yen movies. See? Speaking of which, air pollution has also
been a part of China since ancient times. See? Now, on some level, I kinda got the feeling that Donnie Yen was just making a feature-length homage to that old Dave Chappelle Show skit. Donnie Yen stars in TIME (JAPAN) HATERS. I especially liked the parts of
ICEMAN: THE TIME TRAVELER where the dialog
tried to sound really dramatic: Obviously, all of this is Japan’s fault! I wonder if Japan is to blame
for the four main characters starting starting out all essentially the same age but then later on, their ages are all decades apart. It must be something to do with time travel. It’s either that or the filmmakers are just dumb as rocks. Some of you watching this are
probably uninterested in anything but the action scenes, and you’re gonna call me names
if I don’t talk about them, and hope that Donnie Yen beats me up ’cause he’s so tough that his penis has knuckles. Well, I will talk about the action scenes, because what ICEMAN: THE TIME TRAVELER tells us is that undercranking has been
part of China since ancient times. But you know, as long as you’re
going to be asking questions, why is Donnie’s ancestral home a cheap movie set that looks like it was
used for a children’s television show? And why is it that Chinese women have apparently been very shallow human beings obsessed with beauty since ancient times? They’ve apparently eaten chocolate
to cope with their feelings about boys for the same amount of time. It’s either that, or the people who wrote this movie are egregiously outdated Neanderthals. Digression: at least ICEMAN: THE TIME TRAVELER is not a film that claims to empower women while objectifying them and making them look bad, so it’s another reason why
it’s much better than GIRLS VS GANGSTERS. It’s still hot garbage, though. Simon Yam goes to see a corpse in the morgue. And the guy in the morgue tells him it still has a pulse. Then why is it in the morgue??? As shocking as it may seem, looking for logic in this movie would be like finding a statuette with the words engraved on it. Ain’t gonna happen. The emotional climax of the film is
a touching montage of all the times in both Iceman movies that Donnie Yen fails in any way to be convincing in a romantic context, even in close physical proximity to Eva Huang. For Donnie Yen cannot love. He can only not kill. Speaking of which, a good indicator
of the level of logic in ICEMAN: THE TIME TRAVELER
is that sawed-off shotgun… with a front sight. At the climax of the film, 16th-century Donnie
is fighting with a Japanese general on top of a train from 1927 while hurtling through some kind of
time-warp tunnel that’s not explained. It was roug hly at this point in the screening that Andrei Tarkovsky’s ghost
leaned over to me and said Nobody in this movie ever really explains how the time machine works, and it never works the same way twice. But, you know, it was the climax
of the movie, so it had to go big, right? I mean, who needs sense when you have Donnie Yen? Somehow, Donnie Yen always seems
to have possession of the key to the time machine, which is called the Linga. No, really. Even in the Chinese subtitles, it’s in English. See? In fact, at one point, it sure seems like
Donnie… keistered the Linga. Which at least explains
the expression on Simon Yam’s face! But I’ll probably never get an explanation for why Donnie Yen salutes Mao Zedong’s
portrait inTianenmen square. But to be fair… ICEMAN:THE TIME TRAVELER isn’t all bad. We do get subtitled gems like He may not be a criminal, but that jacket is guilty of attempted leather. Now let’s face it, if you have a problem in a movie, dialog can be a life-saver. If you suck it hard enough! The ugly reality of, y’know, re-shoots
after the fact can easily be glossed over with lines like Time travel is a great way to rationalize
(or ignore) seemingly arbitrary changes in costume that would normally
render continuity… irrelevant. Besides, who’s gonna notice? Probably the same people not expected
to notice that the visual FX in this movie are so old, that they’re in 480dpi. Or green screen that was so glaringly bad I got a migraine. Rather than have two sets
of time machine effects footage, they save money by just running it
backwards the second time. Y’know on some weird level, I feel like
this movie could work as some kind of, like, experiment
involving found footage, 72 hours of leftover filming obligations, and a drug-induced disregard for narrative. Call it “We were somewhere near Wenzhou,
at the foot of the mountains, when the ginseng began to take hold.” Maybe the makers of ICEMAN: THE TIME TRAVELER got a subsidy from the Chinese government to make movies tailored for an audience of people who’ve suffered traumatic brain injuries. It’s as good an explanation as any,
and y’know, it would be… philanthropy. I mean in the final twenty minutes,
this movie gives up any pretense whatsoever of making sense,
and any attempt to do so on your part would just,
would result in a brain injury. So maybe if you already have one,
ICEMAN: THE TIME TRAVELER seems like I’m not really sure why, but watching this movie,
y’know, after it’d been dubbed into Cantonese it felt like turd-polishing. And the only reason I say that is because, in the spirit of erring on the side of optimism, ICEMAN 3: TIME TOILET is gonna rule. I didn’t enjoy this movie, but you might. Go watch it. Better hurry up, ’cause it ain’t gonna be in cinemas long. I’m not even sure they’ll even put it on DVD,
but if they do, buy it don’t steal it, ’cause then you’ll be… really stupid. If you enjoyed my review, please let me know,
and if you didn’t, let me know. If you enjoy the channel, please subscribe. Thank you for watching, I’ll see you again soon.


29 Comments

Tony Patron97 · November 19, 2018 at 6:23 am

I always hated Eva huang

Harris Dang · November 19, 2018 at 6:24 am

Oh my goodness, you completely lost it. Haha.

Jason Patrick · November 19, 2018 at 6:27 am

This movie was the most torturous experience I've ever had this year. The first movie was already bad enough and I couldn't believe the sequel fared even worse beyond imagination! What a shitty pile of crapfest that Donnie Yen ever involved in his film career. Not even the poorly-choreographed action sequences could save this turd at all. Anyway, you gave a spot-on review on "Iceman: The Time Traveler"!

Scottie Pippen Carried Me In My Career · November 19, 2018 at 6:31 am

Sorry to say this but most Chinese movies are garbage in this day and age. Chinese cinema have nothing on Korean cinema.

sgctellandshow · November 19, 2018 at 6:40 am

so the real question: is there gonna be a 3rd one?!

Seta Soujirou · November 19, 2018 at 6:51 am

this is a terrible movie…absolute garbage

siuabc · November 19, 2018 at 6:55 am

Time Cop… 20 plus years later…in another part of the world.

Pieces of Work · November 19, 2018 at 8:04 am

Jesus Christ.

ahchoung · November 19, 2018 at 8:30 am

Man … And I thought it was gonna be better than the first movie. But tell me, which movie is better, Big Brother or Iceman: The Time Traveler?

Garry Jeffery · November 19, 2018 at 9:39 am

I like the look of this trash it's kind of a guilty pleasure. If you think this is bad checkout bruka queen of evil. Not the worst movie I've ever or will ever see. Biao is better. And no he doesn't stink. But one thing you can say is Donnie yen makes stinking look good. Fahrting rules. Peace out.

Wing Yung · November 19, 2018 at 12:16 pm

Where can I get that ginseng?

Asian Movie Enthusiast · November 19, 2018 at 2:06 pm

Oh boy.

Jay Cee · November 19, 2018 at 4:29 pm

Told you all Hong Kong movies are crap

chris92945 · November 19, 2018 at 5:15 pm

I think it's safe to say, it would have been better for everyone if this thing would've stucked in production….forever.

Coolestmovies · November 19, 2018 at 6:43 pm

If you think Donnie Yen fails to be convincing in a romantic context in the Ice Man films, you should check out Together (2013). Someone, apparently, thought he was ideal casting for a romantic drama.

Rayray · November 19, 2018 at 8:48 pm

Rather reviewing new pieces of shit, would you review older HK movies back in the golden age? Y'kno coz that's all we have left apparently

Neil Taylor · November 20, 2018 at 5:16 am

I wonder if Donnie Yen follows the Silver Spleen. I’ll bet he’s a fan.

boniface onyekaba · November 20, 2018 at 5:54 am

They released it at last? Wow.

OS-HK · November 20, 2018 at 8:56 am

brilliant!

Tim Chuma · November 20, 2018 at 9:02 am

"The fruit, which is delivered as slurry in a box"

Claus Exile · November 22, 2018 at 4:56 am

I think your channel will become a lot more popular if you can hire someone to put Chinese subtitles in your videos because your reviews are top notch and entertaining, but regardless keep up the awesome work.

TheCaezrc thcaezrc · November 22, 2018 at 9:46 pm

XD

glory ch · November 23, 2018 at 4:46 am

can u review on a moment of romance 1990.thanks

andrew makatsaria · December 2, 2018 at 9:34 pm

7:21 as a native Russian speaker, not gonna lie, that was a damn good impression Sean, great review, terrible film, so glad I watched Big Brother over this, this year 😀

Iain Cowell · December 25, 2018 at 10:03 am

Just watch The Iceman Cometh (1989) starring Yuen Biao, Maggie Cheung and Yuen Wah. Lot better movie & this is based off it.

DOK · January 11, 2019 at 12:58 pm

This movie is so bad even Donnie himself dissed it by not attending the press conferences lol

HDsharp · January 13, 2019 at 2:25 am

Nothing really made real sense in the movie, it reminds me of people who have a habit of speaking vaguely. And In the actual film, the characters speak like robots, always in that philosophical tone of voice, so monotone. In fact the whole movie was a monotone movie, meaning very dull and confusing and full of clichés.

professorM · February 15, 2019 at 2:41 am

They make another one? lol

John Palomo · April 2, 2019 at 3:31 am

Just watched it today LOVED IT !!!!

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